Kate L Stewart

December 31, 2009

Welcome to the Jungle.

Are you bewildered by the opposite sex, or the same sex, for that matter? Does dating strike fear into your heart, or does it make you want to throw small glass objects at the wall? Then this blog goes out to you.

As a therapist, I hear over and over again how tricky matters of the heart are. Not only is not as straightforward as, say, baking banana bread, it seems that everyone has a different idea of how to go about it. For years, even before I became a therapist, I would offer friends, coworkers, classmates, grocery store clerks, and anyone else who crossed my path love advice, I might even consider it a calling.

I hope you enjoy this blog as much as I will enjoy writing it. Feel free to email questions for future blogs, or send comments. I appreciate the feedback!

#1 The Only Advice You’ll Ever Need

Yep, that was a ballsy statement. I’m a therapist, so supposedly I’ve kind of got the market cornered on advice. But could I really have the only advice you’ll ever need?

I think I do.

The thing about advice, at least when it comes to dating, is that there is, literally, a ton of it. If you were to go to the bookstore, and weigh all the books on love and dating, I bet they would probably add up to 2,000 pounds. Try reading all that! And more than that, have you ever asked someone for dating advice? Man alive! One person will tell you that you’ll meet the man (or woman) of your dreams when you aren’t looking, another will tell you that you have to treat it like a job and devote a regular amount of time and attention the pursuit of it. Some people will tell you to join clubs so that you’ll meet new women, some people will tell you to try internet dating.

So how is this supposed to work? You aren’t supposed to look, yet somehow you’re supposed to have a catalogued list of traits to look for in a person. So you theoretically you aren’t looking, but really you are. What does that even look like? Is it like watching a scary movie where you watch the bad parts through the cracks in between your fingers? I tell you, dating advice drives me crazy.

Here’s my advice to you. Don’t take anyone’s advice. Ever. It’s all contradictory—it’s impossible to follow it all at the same time, Sometimes, it’s really unhappy, chronically single people who offer advice, so it’s kind of like taking baking advice from people who haven’t figured out how to turn the oven on yet.

I’m willing to bet if you ignored everyone’s advice, and just did what you wanted to do anyway, be it looking at strangers on the street for ideas for what you were looking in a person, or looking at personals online, you’ve probably got just as good of a chance of finding love. From my perspective, people fall in love all the time, sometimes when they are looking, sometimes when they aren’t looking, sometimes when they are picking out toilet paper at the grocery store. Sometimes the timing is perfect, and sometimes it isn’t, there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to how it happens, so it’s possible that all that dating advice is kind of irrelevant. (I have to add that there are tricks I use in therapy sessions to help clients draw a potential mate into their life, they involve writing lists about what characteristics you are looking for in a person—time consuming, but I’ve seen it work on a number of occasions.)

If you’re itching for some kind of guidance (aside from, ahem, counseling), try asking someone you admire, maybe someone who is in a happy relationship. Advice you ask for is always better than unsolicited dating advice! The other thing is, for crying out loud, just try to have a good time. Life is pretty short when you think about it, and you deserve to be happy. Do what you can to make your life satisfying in the short-term, and you’ll wind up happier in the long term. I bet you can figure out what I’m getting at here. March to the beat of your own wacky drummer, and someone will fall in love with you just as you are!

Best of luck to you out there, and thanks for reading!
-Kate

#2 The Placebo Boyfriend Effect

You can’t believe how long you’ve been single, I know. Months, years—even, it seems like an eternity. You’ve gone on dates; you’ve even had a few short lived dating scenarios with almost-workable candidates, but all to no avail. You’re a charming, talented, smart woman (or man), so what’s a girl to do?

I hear what you’re saying. It can be a long, dark tunnel in between long-term, successful relationships, and the time in between can feel like a really depressing eternity. But you know what they say, the hour before dawn is always the darkest.

Now that I’ve put you in a really foul mood, I’ve got some good news. Or more accurately, a good idea. Let me explain.

Do you remember the last time you went through a breakup? And I don’t mean that really angsty one where you wound up heartbroken by that swarthy-looking cretin, who you though looked vaguely like your favorite actor, and it took you years to get over it? (Or the breakup where you thought you had found the woman of your dreams only to have her stomp all over your trusting, innocent heart?) I mean the breakup where you felt liberated afterwards, like you could finally spread your wings and dance the jig of happiness. The breakup where you breathed a sigh of relief to be free of the girl that none of your friends like and you didn’t really like either when it came down to it. If you think back to it, you’ll probably remember that the weeks after that breakup were like a strange gift; you realized how great it is to sleep in a bed all by yourself, not have to answer to anyone but your mom, and basically do as you pleased. This is what I like to call “post-breakup euphoria.” During this time, you probably didn’t even want a brand new girlfriend, you were thrilled to just be single and doing exactly what you wanted to do all day every day.

I know that feeling didn’t last forever, and in the glow of afore-mentioned euphoria you probably met some new chap and started the process all over again. But what if we could bottle that euphoria? What if I were to tell you that you would meet the woman (or man) of your dreams in exactly three weeks? It would be me tricking you into actually enjoying your single time instead of waiting for it to be over. I’m willing to bet you’d probably be out every night dancing on tabletops and flirting with anything that moved. Because you’d be living up the last 21 nights of singlehood! And who could blame you?

So here’s what I’m getting at. When we’re all totally realistic, we have to accept that we will wind up in a serious, long term relationship sometime—we practically have a better chance of dying in a plane crash then being single forever. So think about your single time—right here, right now—as the last 21 nights of singlehood—this is what I call the “Placebo Boyfriend” effect. What a gift! Go eat garlic, stay up late stargazing, and take up strange hobbies, because it’s all about you right now. Doesn’t that beat all! Soon enough, you’ll fall in love with some handsome creature, and you’ll have to take some of that focus on yourself. The tradeoff will be worth it, but I can tell you right now, at some point you’ll miss your 21 nights of singlehood, and you might just wish that you had enjoyed it more.

You know what I forgot to tell you? While you’re kicking up your heels in your euphoric state, grinning madly because of the great time you’re having out eating pizza with your best friends, some beautiful stranger will be entranced by the extra-loud laugh that you always felt self-conscious about….And you know how this story ends. Wouldn’t you rather find the man of your dreams while you were dancing tango in some dive than actually looking for him? That’s what I thought! Go get ‘em, tiger.

Thanks for reading! Best of luck out there!
Kate

I was pondering the other day what exactly it is that makes a person attractive. We all have ideas about this; usually it’s based on physical attraction: pretty eyes, a nice smile, a great physique. And attractiveness is all these things, but it’s also something else, something more intangible and hard to describe. Something I like to call “The Knack.”

Think about someone you know that you think is very attractive. Why is it that you find this person attractive? I’m sure that when you first noticed this person, you noticed an external quality. But now that you know this person, their attractiveness is probably more complicated. Have you ever met someone who was really appealing, but you couldn’t quite figure out why? They might have had the secret ingredient.

I had a friend in college who had The Knack. He was an attractive fellow, not outrageously handsome, but still women swooned every time he walked by. He wore old shoes, pants that were too short, and he didn’t even bathe regularly. He had a bizarre sense of humor, but it was so quick that you couldn’t help but laugh at the outrageous things coming out of his mouth. He wasn’t traditionally handsome, but he was still incredibly attractive to the fairer sex. The point I’m trying to make is this: there was something in this guy’s laid back “I don’t care what you think of me, but I know you’ll like me anyway” cheeky confidence that really won the ladies over. It was one part physical attractiveness, one part sarcastic humor, and two parts confidence combination that was more appealing to women then a fresh batch of delicious cookies.

So what exactly is “The Knack?” It is, basically, the ability some people have to attract suitable, even desirable, dates. The Knack usually comes down to having pretty healthy self-confidence, but it usually require a bit of mystery, or a devil-may-care type of attitude. Aside from confidence, the one absolutely necessary aspect is that you believe that there are plenty of men (or women) in the world, and in your world, for you to date. Part of what makes people with The Knack so successful is that they have, usually unspoken, the belief that if one person isn’t interested in dating them, there’s another great guy around the corner for them to date. If you want a great illustration of this concept, watch the movie The Knack, and How to Get It. It’s an early ‘60’s British comedy about one man who has The Knack, and one who’s trying to “get” it.

Try this, even though it sounds odd: ask your friends what they find most attractive about you, heck, even ask your exes. These can be physical traits, or personality traits. I’m guessing what you hear back won’t be what you would have expected, you might get some physical traits, but mostly you’ll probably get character traits. Remember these traits the next time you are out in public, and maybe see a stranger that you fancy. Hopefully you’ll be able to build a little extra confidence from these traits that your friends and old flames told you about. Maybe the knowledge of how great you are in an emergency, your adventurousness, or how much one friend respects your advice will give you a little spring in your step and a mirthful twinkle in your eye the next time you see a good looking guy (or girl) at the library!

Ladies, I have a specific message for you. In case you thought that how attractive you were was directly correlated to how much time you spend putting yourself together before you go out, think again. Your particular brand of man-catching (or even lady-catching) magic isn’t due to how perfectly applied your mascara is, it really comes down to how you think of yourself. Remember this, an authentic smile is more attractive to a man then four shades of artfully applied eyeshadow, and self-confidence is really what seals the deal. Not feeling self-confident? Fake it. Be brassy, laugh at yourself, do the things you like to do, and eventually the confidence part will take care of itself. The secret to The Knack is confidence, and if you don’t have it, then do your best to pretend. Oh, and I forgot to add, mystery. All of those things that your friends told you were your most attractive traits are currently your little secret, and you aren’t telling right now.

Your mantra, when you go on a first or second date, or even when you are just out and about, should be “I’m great, and you have no idea yet how great I am”. It may seem like a hard thing to repeat to yourself—but I will say that as a therapist most people I come across do not have self-confidence that matches up to their greatness. So embrace your greatness, and other people will too, even that tall charmer you’ve had your eyes on all night…!

Good luck to you out there, and thanks for reading!

-Kate

Coming up next in blogtown: The Knack and How to Get it, Part II: Seven tips for flirting

#5 The Knack: and How to Get It, Part II – Seven tips for flirting

Last week in blogtown I was writing about The Knack—the ability to attract people you want to date. An elusive and mysterious character trait, but I think I’ve decoded it. The biggest component of The Knack is confidence, but the second is knowing how to flirt.

Flirting may seem like a foreign language to some folks, and in a way, it’s like having a skill for sales, or even diplomacy. It’s a social skill that can help you in many situations—although I realize that any gains leveraged by flirting are a bit unfair, but what you do with this new skill is up to you. Flirting is a skill that some people are born with, but even if you haven’t been flirting from birth, you can still learn it.

So let’s start from the beginning.

#1 Smile.

Start right now. Smile while you’re reading this, and then when you’re done, go look at yourself in a mirror, and smile again. Try the honest, straightforward smile. Then, try the mischievous smile. Try the “joker” smile, then try the car salesman smile. I bet you’re laughing after all that, aren’t you? Guess what! That’s appealing to the opposite (or same) sex! After you’re done grinning at yourself in the mirror, go outside and start smiling at people. Smile at the mailman, even smile at that guy that you work next to who drives you crazy. You may not fall in love by lunchtime, you’ll be in a really good mood. Keep smiling at people, unless you feel they are a threat to your safety (women: take warning. I am not advising you to smile at people that are in any way scary to you. If you are worried that you might accidentally encourage unsavory types to attempt to interact with you, save the smiling for more safe environments, like the workplace or the grocery store).

#2 Make eye contact.

Some might say that this should be number one, because presumably you’d have to make eye contact with someone before you can effectively smile at them.

Looking people in the eye can help you on a number of levels. It can help build trust, and it also makes you seem direct and straightforward to whoever you are interacting with. However, try not to let the conversation turn into a staring contest.

The main reason I want you to be comfortable looking people in the eye is because it is one of the easiest ways to communicate interest to someone you see on the street, in the grocery store, out dancing at a club, etc. The way you do this is to hold eye contact with that handsome stranger for just a beat longer than seems comfortable. It’s the tiniest move, but it’s very easy to interpret, even from pretty far away. Now I know I’ve made this seem easy and straightforward, but it can be really unnerving to actually do this, it takes a lot of confidence. But what’s great about this is that it opens the door for the man (or woman) you’re interested in to make the next move. And you also can’t be overtly rejected by someone if all you did is look at them.

#3 Touch people.

I know this sounds questionable, but trust me on this one. One of the easiest ways to bridge a gap between two people, build trust, and establish a connection is to make physical contact. But let me be explicitly clear about what I mean.

I’m going to write this part specifically for the women out there, since the rules are just a little bit different socially for women then they are for men. Think about a person, man or woman, that you come across in your day to day life that you would like to make a social connection or a work connection with (we’ll get to the dating scenario a little bit later). For example, let’s say there’s a woman in your office that you come across on a regular basis that could, through her position at work or social connection, help you climb the corporate ladder. This is a woman who knows you by name, who you exchange pleasantries with, but haven’t progressed into a friendship or a more involved work partnership with. The next time you see this woman and chat for a few minutes and you are standing within arms length, touch the back of her elbow lightly when making a point, or when you are saying goodbye. If you feel comfortable, you can pat her shoulder or back too. Do this every time you see this woman for a week, and I bet she’ll warm up to you pretty quick.

Now that I’ve gotten you your next three work promotions, let’s talk about dating. So you’re out at the bar, and you’ve made eye contact with someone you find really attractive. This man or woman has made their way over until they are standing next to you, or sitting next to you at the bar. They say hello. You say hello. The conversation progresses through the “what do you do?” and discussion of hobbies. After a few minutes, when you’ve started to get the feel for this person, and you’ve decided you are actually interested in getting to know them better, touch their forearm for emphasis when you are making a point. This also takes a certain degree of confidence, and it’s a lot easier for people who are naturally outgoing, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t try it even if you consider yourself shy.

#4 Get a little closer.

This one also speaks to meeting people in environments like bars or clubs, parties, places like that where you will have the opportunity to sit or stand while you are getting to know someone.

Now that you’re comfortable smiling at people, making eye contact, and touching people socially (sorry folks, I can’t find any better way to describe this), remember how much your body language communicates. So let’s say that you’re sitting with this handsome stranger. Are you facing him? Turned away? Looking away? How close are you? This will sound funny (but not as funny as “touching people socially”) but you should sit so close you couldn’t be much closer unless you were sitting on his (or her) lap. Also, facing someone implies interest, and when I say facing, I mean with your whole body, face, and all four limbs. Think of your body as a giant arrow. Your body language can be read clearly, and you want to be pointed towards this person if you are interested. If your shoulders are turned away from him, or your legs, you’re sending the wrong message. You, as a whole person, should be pointing towards him (or her)—he’ll definitely get the message!

#5 Make a joke.

I don’t care if you don’t think you’re very funny. Say something funny, point out something odd, or if all else fails, just laugh at yourself. First of all, it will make you look easygoing. Second, everyone I know would rather spend time with someone who has a sense of humor, if they aren’t wildly funny someone should at least be able to appreciate funny or absurd things. The idea behind this is that you appear to be having a great time, and you’ll be having a great time if this new guy or girl is spending time with you, but you’ll still be having a great time even if they don’t tag along. This attitude is confident, and confidence will get you many, many dates.

#6 Be legitimately interested in them as a person.

When you’re getting to know that handsome stranger/new love interest, remember to ask plenty of questions about them—where they grew up, if they have pets, hobbies, nicknames, friends, etc. It may feel tempting to talk about yourself at length, especially if there are long pauses in the conversation, but anytime you feel uncomfortable, ask another question about them. And this also goes for the rest of your life, as well. That woman you had picked out as being a work ally? Be legitimately interested in her life as well. People will really appreciate when you remember the names of their pets, husbands, parent’s medical issues, etc. These are the things that people will remember about you.

#7 Last ditch effort.

Here’s the thing, if you can’t come up with a way to catch someone’s eye, smile at them, or pat them on the back during conversation, find some way, any way, to engage them. Ask them where the bathroom is, if they can sew on a button, what beer they recommend at the bar. One trick that is really hilarious and hard to pull off unless you’re pretty sassy—pick a man’s name, any name, and shout that at whoever you think is cute. Take the name Steven. See a cute guy at an art show? Walk right up to him and say “Steven?” You’re on your own after that point, you’ll have to come up with a story about who this Steven is. It’s a relatively easy conversation starter because it’s entirely plausible that you might think this guy looks like a friend of a friend. At some point relatively early you’ll have to ‘fess up that there is no Steven. But by that point he’ll be crazy about you and probably find it endearing that you cooked up a story just so that you could talk to him.

These are my dating tips. I hope they bring love your way! And remember, when all else fails, just be yourself!

Thanks for reading, and best of luck out there!

-Kate